I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
