Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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