Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
