I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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