how hairy? two words: wookie tits
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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