I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
