I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
