My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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