last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We left an ass print on the piano.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
