Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
