this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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