I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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