i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
