It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
