Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
