On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
