I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
be right there i have to get my cape
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
