Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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