After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
