My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize