I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
