1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
