You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
