At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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