I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
