Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
