So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize