Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
