you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
