I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Randomize
