If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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