Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
