Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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