you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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