If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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