i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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