I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just invented taco cereal.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
