By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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