Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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