On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
