I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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