i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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