we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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