Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
