Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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