hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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