You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
