I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
