you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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