Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
