Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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