i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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