Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
