he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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