I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
