Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A bitchslap is in order.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
