I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
