my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
