What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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