Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
