I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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